Azumanga DieHard
by SiFi270
Summary: After two years in America, Chiyo returns home for a Christmas party. But when she gets there, she and her friends find themselves in the middle in an incredibly bizarre, yet strangely familiar, terrorist attack.
1. Chapter 1

When Chiyo Mihama first set off for America, she wasn't quite sure what to expect, but she was very excited nonetheless. She felt the very same excitement for her first few months there, but afterwards, she began to feel somewhat disappointed. Although there were new experiences to be had here and there, she described the place overall as 'like home, but without my friends'.

Fortunately, when she returned for Christmas that year, she found that her friends had missed her just as much, to the point where Ayumu Kasuga, better known as 'Osaka', insisted on finding a way for them to stay in touch. They quickly found that the cheapest and most efficient method was through the internet, or more specifically instant messaging, and for the next year there was hardly a day gone by without the two of them exchanging a couple of sentences at the very least.

When the next Christmas arrived, Osaka was understandably eager to discuss Chiyo's next visit, although the subject quickly shifted to other, albeit still closely related, matters.

* * *

**Osaka said:  
**but you're not really a fan of flying, are you?

**ChiyoChan said:  
**I'd honestly prefer it if you didn't remind me…

**Osaka said:  
**i know, but i know the secret to surviving air travel now!  
after you get where you're going, take off your shoes and socks and then walk around on the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes

**ChiyoChan said:**  
...Fists with your toes?

**Osaka said:  
**i know, i know, it sounds crazy  
but the guy who told me about it said he'd been doing it for nine years  
said it was better than a shower and a hot cup of coffee

**ChiyoChan said:  
**Okay…  
By the way, how have the others been doing?

**Osaka said:  
**oh, you know. they're pretty much…  
actually wait they changed a lot  
i barely even noticed!  
okay, so tomo and kagura are cops now  
they say they're "buddy cops" but you're only supposed to call them that if they're polar opposites and there's a lot of tension between them but eventually it works out, right?  
but these two are just making one liners and high fiving and asking each other how they haven't been fired yet

**ChiyoChan said:  
**That actually sounds like it'd be fun to watch…

**Osaka said:  
**oh, it is  
anyway, yomi's pretty much the same as she was before  
but i think she swallowed a hornet's nest or something?  
she's gotten so foulmouthed lately…  
but yeah that's all that really happened with her  
as for sakaki and kaorin… well, who can say?  
there were times when i thought they were getting closer, but no one else seemed to think so, so… i dunno?  
i bet if i asked them they'd say "it's complicated"

**ChiyoChan said:  
**I see…  
Well, see you there!

**ChiyoChan is now offline.**

**Osaka is now offline.**

* * *

During Chiyo's flight, she had to wonder where Osaka got her advice from. Her main guess was from someone who hadn't flown very far, because she could see the technique coming in handy after a journey from one part of a nation to another, but when flying to the other side of the world, it was quite a long wait before she'd be able to try this infallible technique.

In the meantime, she fell back on her second most trusted technique, something she'd actually tried before, but found to be easier said than done. She tried to fall asleep, and, to her surprise, she managed in a matter of minutes.

* * *

When Chiyo's eyes opened, she found herself in a familiar white void, where a familiar orange, oval-shaped cat was waiting for her.

"...Didn't I get you for my birthday?" She tilted her head.

"Very observant!" he bellowed. "If you recall, she also insisted on you taking me to America, so that I could protect you!"

Her head remained tilted. "...Didn't I have this exact same dream last year?"

"What is a dream?" he said. "An echo of one's past, often distorted beyond recognition. One without dreams is one without… um… help me out here."

"Why should I?" she said. "I'm honestly ashamed that what you've said so far was something that came from my mind."

"Well if you don't like it you can wake up." Were he capable of changing his expression, he probably would have pouted. "I don't even know how close you are to your destination, but it looks like you'll be awake until you get there! Enjoy!"

Sometimes, Chiyo hated her subconscious.

* * *

Luckily, Chiyo arrived home mere minutes after waking up, and she arrived in time for a pleasant surprise. Of course, the only thing making it pleasant was the fact that it came from her friends, and she understood that their heart was in the right place.

On the floor was an "Orange Dream Cat" plushie roughly 60% larger than the one she already owned. On top of that was a sleeping Osaka, and above her was Tomo, trying to pry her off.

"Somebody get me a friggin' crowbar!" She grunted. "I paid like a zillion yen for this thing!"

"Okay," Yomi said, "one: a zillion isn't a real number."

Chiyo felt the urge to inform her that one zillion was actually officially recognized as 10^50, but instead she decided to let the moment last.

"Two," Yomi continued, "you won it at Magical Land. By cheating."

"It's not cheating if there's good intentions behind it!" she said. "Future generations will look at my actions and say…"

Chiyo knew that if she allowed it, this argument would last the rest of the day, which was sadly something she didn't have time for. Reluctantly, she cleared her throat, and her friends held in a scream and leapt to attention, save for Sakaki, who actually seemed to have been aware of Chiyo's presence the whole time. With Osaka no longer on top of the plushie, Chiyo noticed a gaping bullet hole and frowned, immediately realizing the details behind how Tomo 'won' it.

A while after they finally returned to Chiyo's house, another plane landed. Had any one of them been there to notice, they may have noticed that surprisingly few passengers were exiting for a plane of its size. They might also have noticed that the route they took from the airport was nearly identical to the route they took.

But even if somebody had noticed this, they could never have predicted that it wasn't just their journey, but also their destination, that they shared with the group.

* * *

A/N: THIS TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG

I really hope I don't have to leave a note saying "to be continued next year"


	2. Chapter 2

Chiyo had been living in America long enough to call it home, but whenever she was back in Japan, she was somehow completely unable to determine how she could possibly feel that way. People in America had often told her that 'home is where the heart is', and when Chiyo was with her friends, she failed to see how her heart could be anywhere but Japan. It almost made her want to…

_...I couldn't, could I?_ she thought. _It can't be that simple… There has to be something I'm not seeing…_

As a result of this train of thought, Chiyo became increasingly detached from the party around her, but only Osaka seemed to notice. Of course, Osaka was also lost in a world of her own, as usual, so in the end it made little difference.

Roughly an hour into the party, Kagura received a call on her cell phone.

"Hello?" she said. "...Seriously?! Why don't you just get Tomo instead? …As obvious as that answer was, I was hoping you wouldn't say it. ...Okay fine, I'll be there, _Scrooge_. ...Sorry." She shut the phone and walked over to her friends. "I'm afraid I've got some bad news, guys. I've got an unexpected shift back at the station. It was supposed to be someone else, but apparently his wife's giving birth a little early and I guess he has to be there?"

"I guess he does," Yomi said. "Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have everyone here again, but this sounds pretty important. You'd better get going."

"I guess…" She sighed. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

Some time after Kagura left, Tomo actually wished that she could have joined her, as the party became fairly tedious once she was gone. Whether or not this was actually because of her departure was up for debate, but nevertheless, it was pretty dull.

Although the room was getting quieter, Chiyo felt that it would be best if she left the room and continued her thoughts elsewhere. But unfortunately, she still failed to reach any conclusion, and in the end, with nothing else to do, she found herself following Osaka's advice, baring her feet and walking around with her toes curled.

"I don't believe it…" she murmured. "...'fists with your toes'..."

Just as she was finally beginning to relax, a loud crashing noise was heard in the other room, followed by screaming. With barely a thought, she rushed outside to find that a group of uninvited guests who happened to be armed to the teeth.

"Everybody in this room is now a hostage!" their apparent leader said.

Immediately, Sakaki covered Osaka's mouth before she could ask the obvious question.

"Mikhail Mihama is an exception," he continued, "as we intend to… negotiate with him."

Chiyo's panicked eyes immediately went straight to her father, who was boldly walking towards the group without the slightest hint of worry or hesitation. Before he left with the group's leader, he turned his head and gave her a look that was clearly supposed to be reassuring, but the circumstances were just too much for such a simple gesture to reassure her.

The remaining newcomers advanced towards the party's guests, some of them holding rope while others held on to their guns. While she still could, Chiyo slipped away unnoticed, but within minutes, everyone else was tied securely.

* * *

Less than an hour later, the remaining thugs had made their way downstairs, leaving the guests with no hope of escape.

"Well," Yomi said. "This sucks ass. This fucking sucks. I'm willing to alternate between the two or mix them together."

"Tell me about it," Osaka said. "These things've left the _worst_ marks on mah wrists! The worst!"

"Why are you talking in past tens…" Yomi turned her head. "...How the hell did you do that?"

Behind her was Osaka rubbing her wrists, which she certainly wouldn't have been able to do if she was still bound.

"Like Ah said," she said. "Ah thought they were too tight, so Ah decided 't'heck with this' and got rid of 'em."

"Just like that?" Tomo was struggling not to raise her voice. "I'm a cop, and I have no idea how to do something like that!"

"Well, me neither," Osaka said. "Ah don't really remember the details. Heck, Ah don't even remember what Ah had for breakfast this morning." She paused. "Wait… Dangit. Almost had it."

Yomi rolled her eyes. "Osaka, could you _please_ get us out of these?"

"Why?" She tilted her head. "They too tight for ya?"

"_Yes!_"

"Well okay…" She casually untied the ropes, and after some more coaxing, did the same for the rest of her friends.

"So…" Tomo said. "Are the rest of you okay just staying here. I'm sure if it's just us that disappear they won't notice, and also I'm a cop so shut up. We cool?"

The other hostages nodded meekly.

Tomo turned towards the others and smirked. "They cool. Now what?"

"Now," Sakaki said, "we find a safe place where we can watch the 'negotiations' transpire, and hopefully intervene at the first sign of danger."

"Y'all can do that," Osaka said. "Ah'm gonna look for Chiyo. The rest've yas _did_ notice she was missing, right?"

For some reason, Sakaki was the only one willing to answer. "I did. I can show you where she might have gone, since I've been here a lot over the past year."

"In that case…" Kaorin said, having totally been with them the entire time. "I'll go with you too. Just for safety."

With this agreed on, the team split up, leaving some very hopeful party guests behind.

* * *

Minutes later, splitting up proved to be rather pointless, as Chiyo had managed to find a safe place to watch the negotiations on. She was notified quickly and silently of the others' presence, and they all huddled close together to listen to a very interesting conversation.

"I'm sure you're wondering, Mr Mihama…"

"I know who you are," Mikhail said, "and I can guess why you're here."

"Then I suppose you remember the Cold War just as well as we do," the other man said. "We're here to do exactly to you what you did to us twenty years ago, and much more."

"That's going to be impressive," Mikhail said. "My actions saved thousands of lives, and frankly, you're not headed in the right direction if you want to outdo that."

The other man chuckled sarcastically as he drew a handgun. "That wasn't exactly what I had in mind. While I'm sure that's what _you_ choose to remember what happened, I happen to remember how you humiliated me and my comrades. After you _ruined_ us, many of us wished we were _dead_! Do you know now how we intend to outdo you in that regard?"

Chiyo wished so desperately that she could close her eyes, or even look away, but her body was completely frozen with terror, as were her friends. Not even her father moved a muscle, but he certainly didn't seem to be afraid.

"I must admit," the other man said, "I was hoping you wouldn't be this dignified before I killed you. But, since you're clearly not going to drop to your knees and beg for mercy any time soon…"

* * *

A/N: I don't believe it! Chandler's Law actually worked for once!


	3. Chapter 3

Mikhail Mihama knew he was outnumbered. He knew how easily any of them could just shoot him there and then. He knew that, in the suit he'd chosen to wear, moving would be considerably more difficult than usual. But at the same time, he knew that if he was going to die, and if it was someone from this group of all people pulling the trigger, then he wouldn't just stand there and let it happen. If he was going to die, he was going to die as he lived: Defying Vladimir Ozerov and his group, the worst of the Soviet Union.

With his first move, he intended to break Vladimir's wrist, but after a moment of struggling, his opponent pulled away just in time, firing towards the ceiling. Immediately, several other goons pointed their guns at him, and while he was able to trip quite a few of them with a broad leg sweep, this quickly proved to be a bad idea when a bullet went into his shin, keeping him immobilized long enough for Vladimir to aim his gun between his eyes.

However, because the wrist attached to his dominant hand had been damaged, he knew all too well how the gun's recoil would affect it if he fired with that hand. This meant that he had to use his other hand, which couldn't aim as steadily, and so when he fired, the second bullet found its way into Mikhail's chest.

Chiyo was hoping that the sound of her own heartbeat would drown out the gunshot. It didn't.

"So…" He gasped. "...you've done… what you came here for…" He coughed violently. "...I'm assuming… you're leaving now…"

"How naïve of you to think that," Vladimir said coldly. "I still intend to humiliate you as you humiliated me, and I don't need you to be alive for me to do that. Within a few hours, this house will be burned to the ground, with anything we consider to be of value stored safely elsewhere."

Mikhail had no response to this. As his vision faded and his breathing slowed, all he could do was pray. And in his final moments, he prayed for the safety of all the innocent people in his house, and that somehow, Vladimir and his cronies would be brought to justice before it was too late.

* * *

_It's too late…_

These were Chiyo Mihama's first thoughts after her life was changed forever.

For the next few seconds, the only indication that time was still passing was the sight of the thugs leaving the room. After they did, however, Chiyo's head immediately fell to the floor, her tears soaking the carpet beneath. On the other side of the room, Tomo and Yomi emerged from their hiding place, and while they both looked furious, it was impossible to tell who this anger was directed towards.

"Why didn't I stop them?" Tomo murmured. "Why the fuck didn't I stop them?"

"Because you'd be dead too!" Yomi said. "I really wish I didn't have to say this, but there was nothing we could do!"

Tomo reached into her pocket and produced a cellphone. "Well, I'm doing something now." She dialed a number and held the phone to her ear. "Hello? Yes, this is Tomo. Can you put Kagura on the phone? ...What? No, this is serious! I need…!"

"Give me that…" Yomi snatched the phone from her hand. "Listen, we're really…"

"Attention, whoever you are," the other voice said, "this channel is reserved for emergency calls only!"

"No fucking shit, lady!" Yomi snapped. "Does it sound like I'm ordering a pizza? ...Well only because you won't let us finish what we're..." She stopped and looked at the phone's screen. "...That bitch! She hung up on me!"

Tomo sighed loudly and sunk to the floor, looking at various points as though she were about to say something. But in the end, she held her tongue. Strangely enough, her silence was practically drowned out by Osaka's, who, if not for her moving and her eyes being wide open, would have been deemed unconscious by the others.

Sakaki, although she was the second closest to Mikhail after Chiyo, had the clearest head of the group, and as such was already making plans, which she intended to share with the others.

"We can't stay here for too long," she said. "We have to find these people quickly, and we have to…" She stopped herself before saying something about revenge, although she had a feeling that nobody would object to her use of the word. "...we have to stop them."

Kaorin was quickly reassured to see Sakaki remain level-headed. "...So what are we going to do?"

"...Follow me." She left the room through the same exit the others had taken, and even the most traumatized of her friends followed her instructions without a second thought. In such a situation, anyone ready to accept the burden of a leader would have sufficed, and so they were lucky that it happened to be Sakaki.

* * *

Vladimir rubbed his wrist irritably, fighting the strong urge to go back to Mikhail and shoot his corpse a few more times. As he mentioned earlier, he had far more satisfying ways of taking his revenge one step further, but he was beginning to realize that these methods required more patience.

After a few minutes of wandering through the unfamiliar manor, he and his men returned to the room where they'd kept the hostages.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "I have good news, and bad news. The good news is that you are no longer hostages. The bad news is that, because we no longer need any of you, you shall all be dead by the end of the day." He spent the next minute or so trying to make himself heard in the inevitable panic that followed, and only succeeded after firing a warning shot towards the ceiling.

"It's no use blaming me," he said. "If any of you were as well acquainted with Mr. Mihama as I was, then those of you with more than half a brain would have expected an incident like this one." He rolled his eyes at the sound of another commotion. "Believe me, if I could kill you all now, I would." He turned to his comrades. "You may split up and search the house now."

After waiting to ensure that they were all gone, Vladimir turned around and looked at the one woman whose identity he knew or cared about.

"You must be Mrs. Mihama," he said, giving a repulsive smile. When she refused to acknowledge him, the smile only grew. "Actually… I could be entirely wrong about that. I'm not quite sure what title you're supposed to address a widow by…"

Just as he expected, this got her attention, specifically in the form of a shocked yet furious glare.

"Don't be like that…" He wiped a tear off her face with his fingertip, much to her disgust. "When a door closes, a window opens. Anything Mikhail could have done, I can certainly outdo a thousand times over…"

Mikhail's wife resisted the urge to spit in his face; not because he might have killed her, but because he might have enjoyed it.

* * *

A/N: So when am I hoping to finish this, I'm sure you're asking. Um… before winter ends?


	4. Chapter 4

"First things first," Sakaki said. "Did anybody besides Tomo bring a cellphone?"

Yomi and Kaorin responded in the negative, while the rest showed no response whatsoever.

"Then we'll have to find a landline," she said. "If I speak to them, they probably won't have any reason to associate me with Tomo, but if I ask to speak to Kagura, that might raise suspicion. In the meantime, I propose we split up. Does anyone have any suggestions?"

"Well," Yomi said, "I think you and I should each lead a group, because there are quite a few of us here who probably shouldn't be left on their own in the state they're in."

"That's what I was thinking," Sakaki said. "I think that Chiyo and Kaorin should go with me, and Tomo and Osaka with you. Are there any objections?"

Osaka continued to say nothing, but she moved closer to Chiyo, who simply looked up at her before returning to her original stance.

Sakaki looked at Yomi. "I guess your group will just be you and Tomo then," she said.

Yomi nodded acceptingly. "We'd better get going."

* * *

While searching the house, Yomi felt the growing need to make conversation with Tomo, mainly to keep both of them at ease.

"So how are you feeling right now?" she asked.

"Like total shit," Tomo said. "I just… I can't believe I…" She trailed off and sighted loudly.

Yomi frowned. "Can't believe you what? You do realize this isn't because of anything you've done, right?"

"It's because of everything I've done!" Tomo snapped. "Every stupid decision I've ever made has lead to this. There's no denying it, so why don't you just chew me out like you always do! Why not start with something like 'you should be ashamed of yourself'? Wait, no, don't bother. I already am! Just say _something_, because nothing you say can make me feel any worse about this than I already do! _Why aren't you saying anything?_"

Yomi looked her in the eye and put a hand on her shoulder. "Tomo. I'm serious. This wasn't your fault."

Tomo stared back at her for what felt like hours, tears building up in her vision. When she could no longer determine whether or not Yomi was still there, she fell forward and buried her face in the other girl's shoulder while sobbing uncontrollably.

"Yomi…"

Yomi, although she seemed to be doing a good job of it, had no real experience with comforting people like this, and so she found herself doing whatever her mother did whenever she was distressed as a child: She made gentle shushing noises while gently stroking Tomo's hair. She was glad to find that it was just as effective as she remembered, as the sobs were soon replaced with deep breaths, which in turn became far more relaxed.

"Yomi…" She repeated. "I… I l…"

Suddenly, Yomi made another shushing sound, this one far more intense than the ones preceding it.

"I'm really sorry Tomo," she whispered, "but we've got company."

After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Tomo detached from her and turned around, noticing a man searching the next room, seemingly too preoccupied to notice them.

"So…" Yomi whispered. "As a cop, what would you normally do in this situation?"

* * *

Among Sakaki's group, things were considerably quieter. The reason for this varied from person to person; Sakaki was naturally this way, Chiyo and Kaorin didn't really have anything to say, and Osaka… With Osaka, it was complicated.

One reason, and the first she would have volunteered if not for the whole 'not speaking' thing, is that she was feeling an unpleasant yet familiar sensation that she couldn't quite identify; the kind one has during a dream when they try to throw a punch only to feel as though they're moving through water. Or, on the more relevant side of things, the kind of feeling one has in a similar dream, when they try to speak and the result can barely even be considered a breath.

But deep down, the real reason was that she was afraid. It was obvious to her what loss did to someone, and because of this she was afraid that anything she said could be the wrong thing. Anything she said could create a rift between them, and worst of all, it could stay that way forever. So as far as Osaka was concerned, it was safest to say nothing at all.

Continuing the trend of silence, Sakaki stopped at a corner, making a 'stop' gesture before peeking around. As she'd feared, there was someone just across the hallway, obsessively looking behind every picture hanging on the wall.

Sasaki returned her attention to her friends, failing to notice that Chiyo had also taken a peek until she rejoined her.

"I think I've got a plan," she whispered. "It's clear he has a gun, but he's keeping it in an inconvenient place, and his hands are unsteady, so once he's noticed us, it should take him at least two and a half seconds to reach for the gun. Does anyone here feel capable of disarming him in that amount of time?"

Both Sakaki and Osaka nodded.

"Okay," she said, "Ayumu, if you can sneak up on him and keep his arms restrained for as long as you can, then that'll buy Sakaki even more time to overpower and hopefully disarm him. Does that sound reasonable to everyone?"

Sakaki nodded again, but Osaka instead chose to get straight to it, advancing towards the thug long before the others even noticed, by which point she was holding his arms in incredibly awkward positions. Just as Sakaki began to run after him, Osaka let go, and while he was struggling to comfortably move his arms again, she took the gun from him and hit him over the head with it, knocking him unconscious.

Chiyo waited until she was certain he wasn't getting up before making herself visible. "Ayumu… I can't lie, that was impressive, but… next time, stick to the plan, okay?"

Osaka didn't respond.

* * *

"Welp!" Tomo wiped the sweat off her brow. "After teaming up, coming up with a plan Chiyo would be jealous of, and then displaying combat prowess that even _Sakaki_ would be jealous of… I'd say we've earned ourselves one hell of a pat on the back!"

Yomi smiled warmly. "I'm glad you're back to your old self."

"Me too!" She grinned. "But! There's still one thing left to do…"

* * *

If there was one thing Vladimir Ozerov prided himself on, it was his hearing. Not only was he able to hear something falling down the stairs from a few rooms away, but he could also tell just from the intensity and frequency of each 'thud' that it was most likely a human being.

Of course, what was unusual to him was the absence of any pained cries, which was why he soon decided to investigate to see if his deductive skills had failed him. He was rather frustrated to see that it was one of his own men that had fallen down the stairs, but this was replaced with surprised when he realized that not only was this man unconscious, but there was a note taped to him.

"Now we have your guns," he read aloud in total deadpan. "Ho, ho, ho."

* * *

A/N: I wanted her to write "thanks for the gun assholes!" but then I realized it should be a direct quote but then I realized they're wielding handguns and not machine guns.


End file.
